– Trigger Warning – experiencing pregnancy loss and the stages of grief.

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This would be my first post, and I’ll admit I started this just to be able to express myself, and share my thoughts, if this reaches others and they feel they can relate, in the sorrows, the joy and the funny than thank you.

A little history on me, I am a mother, wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister, social worker, someone who loves to travel, reiki practitioner, loves tarot and crystals. I was born in Australia, and come from a tight nit family. I was diagnosed with pcos at 16 and then later endometriosis at 22.

So for today’s ramblings, I am the proud mumma of a beautiful boy. He is charismatic, charming, empathetic, emotionally intelligent beyond his years (he gets it from his mumma) and a light for me that always shines bright. I was mid 20’s when I had him and with his pregnancy everything seemed right.

Several years have passed and the love I have for my little boy is beyond measure, naturally when he was still young the conversations with my husband about trying for number two started to happen.

So began the journey, and my goodness what a journey it has been. I unfortunately at the start had trouble with periods (this has fallen in line with pcos, I can go months without a period) and tracking a cycle was impossible. It was always a hope for the best method.

The good news is I have fallen pregnant, the sad news is that since my beautiful boy was born being able to carry to full term another pregnancy has been met with such pain and anguish at myself and my body. Why can’t I do this again? Why does it start well and then not continue, why does two little lines bring such happiness only to be met with such heartache a few weeks later.

Today I am in the heartache stage. My two little lines appeared once again. I had such hopes my thoughts were this time it is going to happen. This time will be my time. I book my HCG tests both come back positive. I get my dating scan, I originally thought I was further along than I was only to be told all seems well but only measuring 6 weeks. No worries I think to myself I’ll just wait. My obstetrician booked another scan 12 days after the official. Today was that 12th day. I walk in with high hopes. I should be 8+2 measured only to be told their has been very little growth. I am still measuring at 6 weeks.

So I get home and I google all the reasons why, if it could still continue successfully, if their is still a yolk and a embryo then surely development could still happen. But the harsh truth I have to come to grips with is like all the others this pregnancy is probably going to result in miscarriage.

The interesting thing is I had actually stopped having hope and trying. This pregnancy was a total miracle for me. I thought to myself I am blessed with one adorable kid so let it be. Then this happened and I think maybe now is my time. Only to once again be a probable not. I am a little numb as I write this. Why once again was such happiness met with so much sadness. I will cry some more. Wait for the inevitable to happen and then once again pick myself back up.

For those who are going through pregnancy struggles, I feel you, I ache with you and I hope for you that the tide changes and you will get your little one some day soon.